Ask Mina: I promised I would never move her out of her house
Dear Mina: When my father died, my mother made me promise she would never have to leave her house. I promised. That was fifteen years ago.
Now she cannot manage the stairs, I am there four nights a week, and my own family barely sees me. Every option that would actually help means breaking my word. I cannot make myself do it, and I cannot keep going like this either.
Promise Keeper
Promise Keeper: Look at what you promised. The words were about a house. What she was asking for, a few weeks after losing her husband, was not to be left alone and not to be handed off. You have kept that part every week for fifteen years.
Neither of you knew then what the house would ask of her body or of your life. A promise made without that knowledge can be reopened by the two people who made it. That is different from breaking it behind her back.
So take it to her. Tell her you remember the promise, that you meant it, and that you can no longer keep it the way it was said. Ask her what she was most afraid of when she asked. Then see which of those fears you can still protect her from, wherever she lives.
She may be angry. She may also have been waiting for you to say it first. Either way you will have stopped carrying this alone, which is the part that is wearing you out.
This letter is a composite of questions families ask. The details are illustrative, not one person’s story. This column is general information, not medical, legal or financial advice.