Ask Mina: She asks to go home every time I visit
Dear Mina: My mother moved into assisted living six weeks ago. Every visit ends the same way. She takes my hand and asks when I am taking her home. I say “soon” or change the subject, and then I cry in the parking lot.
A friend told me to stay away for a while so she can settle. That feels cruel. But my visits seem to make her worse. Should I go less, or more?
Leaving in Tears
Leaving in Tears: Neither yet. First find out what the rest of her week looks like, because you are only seeing the hour that has you in it.
Ask the staff who know her how she is at breakfast, in the afternoon, the day after you visit. Some people ask to go home only when family is in the room, because family is who they can say it to. If that is your mother, your visits are not making her worse. They are where the hard feeling gets to come out.
Then change the shape of the visit before you change how often you come. Arrive with something to do together. Leave when a meal or an activity is starting, so that you are handing her to something and not walking away from her.
And stop saying “soon.” You do not mean it, and it gives her a date to wait for. “I know. You miss home, and I miss you being there” is true, and you can say it every time.
This letter is a composite of questions families ask. The details are illustrative, not one person’s story. This column is general information, not medical, legal or financial advice.